It's a love/hate relationship... Enslaved: Odyssey to the west

Dear Enslaved.
Thank you ever so much for inviting me on that road-trip of yours this week. I do believe it was one of the best I've had in years, jostling between combat and climbing effortlessly is something i don't think many can achieve, in fact, i think it may be what draws me towards you. That and the subtle beauty of the way you make me see the post-apocalyptic Manhattan before my eyes. The lush greenery presents a sense of ambience over the events that may have befallen the unfortunate creatures caught in whatever event ceased normality. Indeed, i enjoy the sight-seeing the most. But what of the company? By Jove, that Monkey fellow and that Trip, they're a lovely pair! We had a rocky start, but we all came together soon enough. I'm aware that we're still traveling together, and i suspect romance is in the air between the two, oh yes... Indeed, that giant robot dog we saw forged a friendship i don't believe could be created in any other way. Those two may have their flaws, but don't we all as human beings? I suppose that Monkey is called what he is because he was very monotone before he met Trip. Luckily for us that's soon going to change i presume. Especially with all those "glitches" we've been seeing. The narrative we've shared so far has indubitably satisfied me greatly, and i look forward to what we shall see together next!

However.

Whenever i see one of those robots... Well, it just flips my flaps! I mean, the least you could do was have a camera that worked better than as if it were an epileptic patient mid-seizure during combat! Perhaps you could even make Monkey's evade move worth a damn by making the animation happen as soon as the bloody button is pressed! Then i wouldn't be hit every fucking fight because i hadn't seen a robot before the last shitty second and then had no time press the block button! Perhaps you could make the game seen a bit less fucking linear too! I mean, i can so jump down some places that "apparently" Monkey has some fucking issue's with! Christ, it comes to situations where i'm stuck in a room, running around like a fucking headless retard that's somehow still alive, blood pouring out in gallons, hoping, just hoping there's a fucking handhold monkey will jump onto somewhere! Not only does the camera usually deny this, but usually the objects so fucking small ant's are tripping on it, big ants to be fair. Which reminds me, Trips such a bitch! You tell her next time she say's "Go take em out! I'll be here where it's safe" I'm going to clobber her! Also tell her that if i ever hear "I'll perform a scan" again i think I'm going to have to nail her mouth shut! She's a purty lass, but she doesn't half rile me up! I haven't even mentioned how many times i've failed to live because the world looks samey throughout! FUCK THIS GAME! FUCK THI-

Let's just say it's a love/hate relationship.

-Serde - Full review of Enslaved coming soon.

Image credit: www.tothegame.com

It's a love/hate relationship... Assassin's Creed 2

Ah, Assassin's Creed 2, how I love you. Ever since that pale fish woman broke me out of the futuristic Church at the start of the game you've kept that twinkle in your eye that keeps me on track as I drench myself in blood and allegedly spend more than 5000 florin's on whore's. Good old fashioned 15 century Italy eh.

Oh yes, you showed me how satisfying it could be to extinguish foe's mid fight by merely throwing small knives in their direction immediately before snatching an enemy's weapon and using it against him. You showed me how walking around a corner and seeing the road ahead full of guards, was not a thing of frustration, but a thing of joy. Ah, the options you presented to me, the weapons I could wield. To poison, punch or parry? To shoot, use a sword or sand? Or perhaps even throw my well earned coins to the ground so the starved masses could leap to the ground in anticipation of my next offering, like the mongrels that they are.

But wait. What's this? Ezio and I are happily jumping across roof's to our hearts content when I notice a viewpoint to our left. I stop pressing forward and turn it's direction, but apparently to no avail, as Ezio continue's onward, off the edge of the building, and into the sprawling street below with a thump. It was at this point that my eye's widened and I vocalized my feeling's on the matter: "What the FUCK Ezio!? You've done that like 50 odd times! I've STOPPED pressing the FUCKING button! Why is it you continue to run when i say stop!? Fuck you Ezio! FUCK, YOU!" It was after this I continued playing, only to experience the same situation mere minutes later.

You see, "Creed 2" it seems me and you have a problem here. I want you to do what I tell you to do, you however want to do... Whatever it is you want to do. I wish for Ezio to turn when I tell him to, not when you decide the animation you are presenting me with Ezio's model has finished, and he can then turn. No I must say, simply no. You see you have not simply cheated me out of quick travel with this, but also life. For I, on many occasions have fallen to my death because of this Bullshit. Oh yes. In fact, I do remember this quaint little tomb towards the beginning of the game where this scared little bitch of a guard ran his little arse off to tell his douche-bag friends about my breaking in. Of course the little fuck managed to scream his still little arse off to the aforementioned douches because of this perplexing need for you to finish your fucking animations.

Yes Assassin's creed 2, you make me run the wrong way, up the wrong wall or jump off an object of which i wanted to perch on. You little bitch you. It is as if you are built to make me fail, fall, die and then spit on my face, is it as if my very existence to you is somehow fucking puerile and you will me away so you can do whatever YOU want to do. So it leaves me at saying this: "FUCK YOU ASSASSIN'S CREED 2. FUCK. YOU!" Yes, it is the end for you and I! I hope you're happy!


...Then again, the fighting is bad arse. No, that "arse" is not a typo blogger you dick!

Let's just say it's a love/hate relationship.

- Serde

Image credit - www.pcgamehardware.com