Dreams Lost

While few men would ever openly admit it, we all have "dreams" and aspirations for our soon-to-be-born offspring.  Will it be a boy or girl.  I think most guys want a boy because we can relate more easily.  After all, we were all boys once.  And there is some comfort in knowing the ropes (and the equipment that boys come with).  We dream about all the things a father does with a son ... those special one-on-one times that may fade from your memory but never disappear. 

Believe it or not, I actually was hoping for a girl.  Part of the reason was that my family had 3 boys and I always felt I missed something not growing up with a sister.  Yea, I know ... you guys with sisters are laughing out loud thinking little does he know!  Wishing for a daughter brings a different set of dreams and aspirations. Will she be smart?  Beautiful?  Talented?  How will I feel when I walk her down the aisle on her wedding day?  How many grand kids will she give me?  It may sound strange, but its true (at least for me).  

My sweet Melissa only hours old

No matter which you are hoping for, one thing that never even enters your mind is health. Because most babies are born healthy we rarely deal with the realities of birth-defects and the impact that they bring to a family.  As fathers of a disabled child we are all well aware of this reality.  And when it happens to us, our dreams are replaced with disappointment, fear, resentment and even anger.  

When Melissa was only 4 days old she fell into a coma.  Fortunately we had not brought her home from the hospital and they were able to aggressively treat her which ultimately saved her life.  I'll spare you the gory details, but what I remember most was sitting next to her "bed" (actually a platform under warming lights) in neonatal ICU with tubes running in/out of her and doctors and nurses hovering around her speaking in a language that was foreign to me.  This went on for several weeks.  Finally Melissa was stabilized and we were able to bring her home ... all 4 pounds of her! 

As I sat in our rocking chair holding and feeding her I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself.  She survived, but the doctors were not optimistic about her future because she had experienced brain swelling and likely damage that would affect her for the rest of her life.  Now rather than celebrating my new daughter, all I can think about is ... how can I raise a child that may not be able to function like other kids.  

One element of my personality that I've placed a high value on is my intelligence.  I always imagined that my child would share that gift and together we would enjoy our own special intellectual connection.  Now that would never be a reality.  My baby's brain was injured and nobody could tell me what the impact might be.  It wouldn't be until nearly20 years later that I've been able to create a connection with her -- on a different, but very special level.

Share with us what dreams you had and then lost when you learned your child had a disability.  Have you been able to replace those dreams with others?  It can be done.