For this review, I'm going to write an open letter to Ubisoft. Tell them how I feel about their game, offer constructive criticism so that they will know how not to waste my time for future titles.
Warning. Spoilers ahead.
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Dear Ubisoft,
I just recently completed the main storyline, not 100% mind you, of your game Assassin's Creed 2.
Let's start with the good points first. After all, the correct protocol for constructive criticism is to first make the person/game you're critiquing not feel too bad about themselves.
Assassin's Creed 2 is a very good platformer. You've come very far from your early Prince of Persia days, so that's top-notch. Fun to jump about in a well-realized Italy. The platforming bits are well integrated into a living breathing city. Also, the Tomb Raider bits; platforming puzzles to get the Seals were great, kudos to the Singapore dev team for making it fun and just the right amount of annoying.
What else did I like? Your combat always looks visceral, whether it's the clash of swords between Ezio and his enemies, or one of the many finishing moves that are violent and epic. Ezio also looks great when he is scaling walls, buildings, boxes. The motion-capture is pitch perfect in animating his climbing.
I like the Truth treasure hunt and puzzles. They were so DaVinci Code-esque in evoking a historical fact or fiction atmosphere. Spooky too. But the video rewarded to players for collecting all the Truth glyphs is retarded for not having a purpose other than be even more cryptic.
I also liked that you shook up the rigid mission structure of the first game in favor of one that followed the plot more closely. Good that I spent more time in Italy than in the real world faffing about with Desmond who's pretty lame as main characters go. But did I mention Kristen Bell's face is really weird? Oh and Shaun, one of the support characters in the "real world", can you kill him off? He's being a dick to Desmond who happens to be the guy who can change the world. You don't be dicks to heroes.
So what didn't I like about the game?
Let's start with the controls. Granted, the game is ported from console but instead of giving us little hard-to-see icons, you should instead tell us to press Shift, or Right Mouse Button or 'E' because most of the time, I'm pressing the blasted wrong button at the wrong time. It's especially bad when quick time events happen cause I'm mashing the wrong buttons in confusion thereby failing them.
And quick time events! This is not God of War for god's sake (yes, pun intended). Don't half-ass the QTEs if you want them in there. There's a QTE for hugging Leonardo which is pointless, because heck, Ezio should hug Leonardo ANYWAY. Why do WE need to control him to do that? A lot of people miss QTEs like that because they don't expect them to be there. Get rid of them.
Cumbersome controls. Why did you add things like "extended jump" or "springboarding"? Already, as it is, the controls are confusing with the whole head/right-left arm/legs thing. And now you want to add more confusing controls to remember? I already have enough trouble wondering whether I've been countering enemy attacks properly and GETTING THE QTEs.
Moving on. Graphics. Your cities and environments are highly detailed but your characters look like a blast from the past (wordplay!) The engine is dated, and we're only talking about six months ago. Uncharted 2 came out around the same time and that looked friggin' amazing.
Missions. Why do I have to kill NINE random people just so I can kill the main bad guy? Why do I have to chase after some random soldier across the seriously big city to get an artifact that I shouldn't have lost in the first place? Why do I have to suddenly collect ALL the codex pages at the end when originally they were optional? WHY? WHY?
You see the problem. People will keep asking "why" when you choose to include pointless missions. Why do I have to kill another random person who is no more useful to the plot than as a mere roadblock for Ezio? Quantity is not quality, as they say, and you have obviously chosen to plump the game unnecessarily.
This is the mission structure of Assassin's Creed 2. You kill this guy so that he can tell you where to kill the next guy who will tell you where to kill the next guy who will tell you where to kill the next guy.... etc. This is not interesting storytelling, and none of the people you kill ever tell you anything of importance. Ezio is also a major dumbass. It takes him three-quarters of the game to realize that the person he wanted to kill all along was the last name on the friggin' list. He didn't need to go through everybody else to realize that. Why couldn't he just kill the Spaniard straight off so that the bad guy wouldn't have to rule all of Italy?
Furthermore, the game is one f*cking long tutorial. It takes half the game before I get ALL the skills. Why can't I just learn them all in one shot at the start so I can play a REAL assassin for the WHOLE game?
Back to Ezio. He is a bad protagonist. He may be a ladies' man, and have more heart than Altair, but at least Altair wasn't a noob. Ezio keeps losing the artifact, doesn't sneak around very well, and keeps getting knocked down by enemies. He's got to be the worst Assassin ever. Heck, he does public speaking at one point and tells everybody his name. Templars do a better job at being secretive than Assassins. The first time Ezio got stabbed, he goes into a friggin' coma and comes out of it sporting a beard. The second time he gets stabbed... nothing happens. Ezio FTW.
Cutscenes. A major pain in the ass. The first time you make me fight the Spaniard, I beat his ass to a pulp. Then the cutscene straight after shows the Spaniard beat Ezio to the ground and run away. This happens a second time at the end. Ubisoft, this is annoying and once again, not very good storytelling. You don't let players expect to have beaten the enemy with their own hands, only to say a second later, "Sorry, actually we can't let you kill the bad guy just yet." STUPID CUTSCENE and STUPID EZIO. In fact, the whole game is "Sorry, we can't let you have the prize just yet. You have to get it in a convoluted way."
The Villa. Who the hell thought that we'd love to play a little spreadsheet Sim City whilst playing Assassin's Creed 2. The Villa essentially removes all difficulty in the game because you'll never go broke. This in turn means you can buy the most expensive things without having to break a sweat to earn money. Heck, just talking to somebody for a mission can earn you 2000F. I have more trouble trying to spend all the money. Plus, I hardly ever returned to my "humble abode", so I don't know why it needs to be there.
Altair's secret armor. When you get that, it removes the need for a blacksmith because your armor never breaks. Also, it means you don't need to buy anything anymore because you've got the most l33t armor in the game. Also, can't forget that carrying 14 healing potions in a large pouch means I can keep spamming heal after getting hurt. No more pain, no more challenge.
Boss fight. Assassin's Creed 1 had an annoying, but at least spectacular boss fight where I fought multiple copies of the bad guy. In Assassin's Creed 2's boss fight, Ezio has that power and makes multiple copies of himself. The copies don't make themselves useful though, instead stand around and make the occasional swipe at the enemy. Why don't they swarm the enemy and destroy him? Pointless inclusion.
Then, Ezio decides he wants to go fist to fist with the Spaniard. Why? This is retarded considering any NORMAL person would take the opportunity to stab the damn unarmed enemy already. You let the bad guy get away with it too many times. And then when I beat his fat ass to a pulp a second time - it wasn't very hard either, the enemy didn't even land a blow on me (not forgetting it's supposed to be the FINAL OMFG BOSS FIGHT) ... Ezio decides not to kill the bastardido or however Italians say bastard.
Come on! It's the final f-ing boss! The bloomin' evil lord of destruction, if I haven't made myself clear. Why does Ezio decided to take the high road? That's just leaving an audience dissatisfied with their hard work. Especially the ones who've been intellectually assaulted by the bad choices this game has made before (see above for examples).
I'm not going to talk about the whole OMG secret that is revealed at the end, because it's really just your standard strange beyond belief sci-fi stuff. Thankfully it was a little more decent than the horrendously paced plot in 15th century Italy. And Leonardo DaVinci, great Renaissance man reduced to playing sidekick. And why bring Machiavelli into the picture at all? He just makes a few cameo appearances, isn't very appealing as a character... WHY? And then what's with the whole geo-instability thing!?? WTFFFFFFF.
You want to know who's the best character in the game? Ezio's mum. She unflinchingly uses the word "vagina" early on. And now she's a shocked mute. Well done, Ubisoft.
My biggest gripe with the game though? That the game is called ASSASSIN'S Creed 2. Assassins are creatures of the dark (Machievelli even said so at one point). They skulk around, stealthy, and remain undetected as long as they can. Instead this game has you running across rooftops and doing flashy things unnecessarily. It's more like Zorro the Game than Assassin's Creed 2 if you ask me. This is why Ezio gets spotted all the time. At least give us sneaking abilities, like CROUCHING, or SHADOWS.
But that's not all. The game is confused, asking you later on to complete certain missions undetected. Out of thin air, you decide to change the rules JUST to make it more "challenging"? Why? What's the point when I've succeeded before at crashing into parties noisily and stabbing everyone in the gut? F-A-I-L.
The game starts off with such potential and a great emotional hook. Your father and brothers are murdered treacherously. But then Ezio's tequila worm is left dangling in the wind because he is so noob without some proper direction from Papi. Also, too much nonsense goes on for this game to be taken seriously. I cannot even believe you guys are planning on making another one set in Italy. Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Seriously? I've had enough of Ezio. Bring on the American Civil War already. And a woman protagonist.
Story needs tightening up for all your future games (including the new Prince of Persia). It's just not compelling enough. The only thing running through my mind as I was playing this was, "When is it going to end?!!"
Finally, get rid of that blasted DRM. The game breeds enough frustration as it is, that stopping players from playing even a bad game is just... well, bad.
And, sorry if I keep coming back, but just in case you're not convinced at how poorly designed your game was, here are two other game writers who feel the same way. One and two.
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